outside in there

Today I am making a late Christmas present with my friend Jessie.

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 14:30:07 GMT

Booze and pictures and pretty ladies. I don't it can get much better than that. I'm excited!

I ready myself slowly

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 00:51:29 GMT

Much, much too slowly.

I have been asked to take on a nice array of professional/adult-like/you'd better cut the mustard-type responsibilities this past month by women I greatly respect and admire. Most people in my position are not just handed oppurtunities like these, but due to my social/occupational network and completely disarming smile (a little more reason one than reason two....ok fine, its more like the "right place/right time" phenomenon) I have been given the chance to increase my repetoire of career flexibility. Speaking of flexibility, one of these offerings has come with the sobriquate "yoga practitioner". I have been asked to participate as a guest speaker on the life benefits of yoga for a college class taught by a former instructor. The problem is, I haven't PRACTICED yoga the way that a real practitioner does in about 3 months. Its quite sad, really. My excuse is practicum, though this is a sorry excuse at best. I think the crux of it is, I stopped for a spell and now I'm just waiting for "the right time" to slip back into it. It's like double dutch, only I apparently turned so far away from these sailing jump ropes to the point that I'm playing a boring, unfullfilling game of yahtzee with the less cordinated folks in the far corner of the playground. Like I said, its sad. Whats sadder still is my lack of action. It is something I love, but because I am so distructively dichotomous by nature (I mean, nurture) if I am not in good shape otherwise, I tend to steer away from my yogic activity altogether. It is fear that keeps me here. It is expectations set higher than the height of my preparation. The analysis is simple, the application of the solution...not so much.

To be fair though, my present location, financial state, and time expenditure are not truly conducive to my practices of yoga in general. This apartment has no hard surfaces, my favorite yoga teacher lives and teaches miles and miles away, and my school schedule is erratic. Even still, these are poor excuses.

Foxy

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 14:53:00 GMT

Insert dream sequence:

Miles above, the black blanket of space calms me like a censoring cloth thrown over a bird's cage. In the driver's seat of a moving thing, which is presumably a gigantic 4-wheeled cantaloupe, halved, with its rind completely peeled away. My confusion comes only in how much time I have left to arrive and nothing to do with what I'm actually steering. I recklessly barrage this melon-machine over an endless field of prairie grass the color of tan human flesh. The blades beneath the vehicle fight uselessly to slice the undercarriage. Apparently, this mode of transportation is unstoppable so conversation is not costly for us, the passengers. A slowly blurring stream of scenery outside parallels our steady stream of conversation. We wait and consider how to paint each other's remarks.

Amy Winehouse extends her slender arm from the passenger seat next to me. Pawing at the steering wheel, to grab the letter e's off of my last sentence "Did you see the entrance?". She brushes their bases a light red and then throws them out the window. I watch the e's from my rear view as they sink into the grass, like the contents of a science class video on hemoglobin, playing in reverse. I continue glancing periodically in the rear view at Amy's friend Amy. Amy looks back at herself. Somehow, there are many Amy winehouses seated around me; little twin Amys, heavy set Greek-looking amys, even one of obvious Nubian heritage with gold charms dangling from her thick black braids. We are a posse, my Amys and me.

The cantaloupe sinks into the subway entrance. Nubian Amy lights up a joint and asks if we're late. I tell her I have no idea now that the sky is no longer visible. Seconds pass and she hands her roach to the twins.
I become increasingly irritated at the ugliness of the subway tiles above me and wonder where my paint brush went. Maybe Amy stole it.
The floor begins to vibrate and I sigh with expectation. "This is probably ours you guys, but I wouldn't even know." They open their mouths in unison to say something as the bark of the subway drowns their words. Immediately I realize subway trains whistle, not bark.

I wake to Kaneda's futile warnings as he digs at the boards of the balcony. He is a fox in the moonlight, pretending what he dreamt last night because he has no choice.

I ask you very confidentially: Ain't she sweet?

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:00:56 GMT

I've eaten too much candy today. I dont' like the word candy in an immediate, reactionary sense. Seriously, the word just sucks. Aside from it being a complete phonetic disaster,"candy", for me, is a semantic abomination of artificial sweetener and sticky, dirty RV children with glow in the dark tattoos half rubbed away from their forearms.

My sister went to Japan with her husband and returned with many lovely gifts for my family. I don't know why the Japanese insist on packing all their candy like a matryoshka doll. Maybe it's so the sailor-school babies cannot discreetly unwrap a delicious "candy" treat in class, unbeknownst to their teacher. Because really, the packaging companies are doing those little ones a favor by saving them from themselves and the wrath of family shame and tutorial/corporal punishment wrought upon them if they were ever discovered...ha!

I had so much to write and now I've forgotten it all because I've had to work. Ugh.

Penis paraphernilia party

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 15:49:44 GMT

Spelled correctly? I know not, nor do I care.

Yesterday, while discussing the subjective disadvantages of "the blessed union forever" with a gentlemen friend, I had such trouble dismissing thoughts of fascism. I'd say its just a smidge unsettling to realize I'm going into the field of therapy as a skilled professional and I can't completely kick the reoccurring want pull the lever for the "bad egg" trapdoor that covers every square inch of this planet...hypothetically speaking.

I do exercise the idea of mass extinction and selective reproduction more often than I probably should (be it a passing thought once a lifetime or reoccurring mental theme in daily living). Not believing in a higher power has many disadvantages. One of those disadvantages is occasionally viewing humanity through a tiered grid of worth.

A giant science project, if you will, and I'VE got the best hypothesis to go on.

I wonder...are there more people out there (women in particular) who wonder what it would be like if the human species was sifted through with ACTUAL social Darwinism?
I spent the evening last night with a girl who is beautiful, extremely intelligent, and passionate for living. This dear girl is about to tie the knot in the very near future, which is why I was in attendance of her bachelorette party last night. I, on a personal note, feel as though her partnered choice for marital bliss is destine to turn out less than satisfactory. In Darwinian terms, I'd say she's on a different "level" than he is.

Now, I know this is totally absurd to say such things. It is not MY choice in any realm of reality to say what people should and shouldn't be together. But, when being absolutely uncreative and purely logical; she goes well with someone else. That someone else is a different "he" who's beautiful, extremely intelligent and passionate about life.

It's like I'm playing Barbies, and the one with the deformed dog-chewed foot HAS to be thrown back into the toy chest b/c she "just looks weird" even though that leaves Ken's buddy Todd without a date to the Malibu beach party (painstakingly set up on the fire place in the family room).

For Halloween two years ago, I was an evil cupid. I spent Halloween weekend with Donny (a Colbert character from STrangers WIth caNdy) in Grand Rapids, slinking around various parties in a set of black wings and Spanish style corset. In the throws of a buzz, I'd point my bow and arrow and people and give a smirk of approval as I eyed a person across the room that looked "fitting" as their interest for the evening.

I think I have some serious control issues...want to be my therapist?

Sleeplessness

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 10:42:38 GMT

For some reason, its always incredibly relaxing for me to read anything at all about Sufijan Stevens. He (or my perception of him) has a calming effect...much like Mark Andrew Palmer.

I don't quite know what's going on in my body right now. I've had actual stomach aches so infrequently in my life that its anyone's guess why I'd wake up with one at 4am. I think my Chi flow is severely out of whack. Its like my back is turned and just out of the reach of a magnetic pendulum blade, that swings into my personal space and pushes my polarized heart outward with every nearby, metric swing.

Again, I need more art in my life (consequently, I need more free time or better use of the free time I have...)

Never Seen Blue

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 02:48:00 GMT

I had the most unsettling dream this morning after I'd gotten up, fed the dog, and went back to sleep. It was so incredibly vivid and I remember all of it, but it still makes little sense. I hate when I have dreams where my teeth are shattered. It happens every once in a while, this morning was one of those "once's"

Dualism

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 17:58:15 GMT

I have so much to study this weekend that its a bit overwhelming. I don't know what my deal is or why I dont write in this more often. I really want to. I really like it more than myspace. Honestly.

Overall, I've figured I'll be about $35,000 in the hole from my Bachelors Degree, Masters Degree, and Certificate in HS and yoga instructor certification. My plan is to hang around here for another 3 years (paybacks) and then leave when I'm 28. If i get a full time job within the next year and a half, that will be great b/c I'll just live with my parents for that long and take my whole first year salary and put it toward paying off my loans, then i can make some cash money to move out and over and down to the desert b/c I'll have paid off a large chuck of my loans and won't have to pay up for a while if I pay it of out right.

If i dont get a full time job, well i guess that will be ok too, b/c i can just get two part times since I'll be out of school. That would be nice. I have to find a good internship. This is, I'm sure, quite boring to all of you. Sorry. :\

In other news: The President embarrasses me. Anytime i see him, I wince, b/c I know he's going to do something stupid. Its actually stressful for me. How would it feel, to know that the people you represented were painfully embarrassed of your presence in their lives? I know what it feels like to fuck up your responsibility or the class assignment in group, b/c you're too ill prepared in ignorant to figure it out on time. Or maybe its like when the un-athletic kid in gym class losses the game for you, just b/c you have to pass it to him/her to be "fair". You and he/she both know whats going to happen, with frowns all around.

Like you're the retarded sibling, buckled up, thats holding the garage door opener as the running car fills the garage up with carbon monoxide. The rest of the family (red faced, worried, and defeated) runs back inside the house and closes the door.
It seems that you've locked mommy and daddy out; You say, "I wanna drive! I wanna drive!"

I will use this to my advantage

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 19:41:57 GMT

I had a wonderful yoga session this morning. Its amazing how much it does for me, mentally, physically, emotionally etc...
Once I went out to eat with a friend when we had just gotten to know each other. I had asked her if she was religious and she told me "i'm not religious, but i'm spiritual" and i couldn't fathom how something like that was possible, b/c at the time, I was still quite religious myself and hadn't been exposed to enough areas of thought outside my own upbringing. I thought to myself "ha, you're full of shit." In retrospect, I dont think she was religious OR spiritual, therefore, still very much "full of shit", but the idea has hung in my mind for years and I think I'm just now begining to understand the advantageous possibilities involved here. Hopefully she thinks about the potential depth of her statement too.

Or not, you know..whatever she wants...

The wedding was beautiful. I have to go to yoga soon, but i'll do a repeat write about it later on

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 11:56:44 GMT

http://s95.photobucket.com/albums/l136/asheaon/Chelseas%20Wedding/

Honestly, the wedding was so much fun. In other news, i'm glad to be back and anyone who wants to go out for Mark Palmer's birthday this Friday PLEASE JUST MESSAGE ME BACK!!!!!!!!! Or gimmie a call, whatever you wish. That means Mila, Ron, Dean, Mari etc...anyone who tends to use lj more than or instead of myspace is so totally totally invited to go and I'd love to see you SO GO DAMN IT! Not quite sure where its going to take place yet but its narrowed down to Roak, D, Rochester or Mt. Clemens.. haha...yeah, good narrowing huh?

Halloween is coming up, yay!!!!

Check points

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 17:25:08 GMT

At the moment, good relationships with my family, Neko Case's music, running (when its far enough and hard enough), yoga, and good sexual activity have brought me the most happiness in my life. I'm really REALLY grateful for these things, yet I see something terribly wrong with the lack of academic/professional/mental/however you want to put it/ variables on this list. Also, the fact that I see something terribly wrong with that makes me question whether or not there is something further awry with me. Maybe I shouldn't be writing right now...maybe I'm too judgmental...

I had my research class yesterday and I actually helped clarify some concepts to my friend who's way fucking smarter than me. I dont know how it happened and I'm sure if i tried to understand it today, I'd stare at it like it was a pile of pooped out Greek and she would know what everything meant perfectly. Eh, but it made me feel really good at the time, just the same.

I'm going to NY tomorrow to attend a big Asian/Jewish wedding or "Jewsian" if you will, spend some long anticipated quality time with some Cornell kids and other creepy geeks, visit with Kelly and Justin, and stay out until the wee hours of the morning in hopes my health will be with me through the next two (very important weeks) and into the best Holiday month of the calender year. What are YOU going to be for halloween???

How the fuck is it already 1:30?

hey out there

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 01:52:41 GMT

I still love you lj. I still love you.

Grapenut devil! Them are evil!

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 21:23:50 GMT

So, I could've just died,but it would've been a really great way to go (aside from cougar wrasslin.)
My little sister was just making me laugh at the most inopportune time as usual, and I was drinking milk and attempting to type more of my paper and started choking. The laugh was brought on by her telling our dog to get its toy chipmunk away from her "va-jay jay." I had never heard this term before, must be some new slang all the high school bitches and hoes use...at any rate i laughed and gagged and spit milk all over the dog and proceeded to choke hard core. Crying, coughing, the whole bit for a few minutes. hahahah. "aah good tiiiimes!" -Jerry Blanks

The newly forming scars.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 14:07:47 GMT

I think all of a few days ago that I had mentioned in conversation that I dont write with a pencil anymore if i dont have to. I've changed my mind about that. I think i'm going to do most of my writing with a pencil in a journal thats not on a screen from now on. Most of what i write in here is tailored anyway and I dont know when or where I got the idea that such an action is journal-like at all.

I was supposed to run last night. But instead, I went upstairs and watched spider-man 2 and ate tortilla chips. Oh well, it was cute, the chips were good and Bailey was happy to have company.

I wish I had someone/thing to thank in total:
1. for everything that goes well in my life
2. the wonderful people I know well
3. everything I appreciate.

Essentially, I think I tie my own hands more than anything else that has the chance to.

Goddamnmyspace.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 03:41:16 GMT

I swear, i love lj so much more, i've just been straying lately!
I've come to the conclusion I have permanent tendon damage to my leg but I'm not going to let it get me down, that is, unless it literally gets me down and I eat it while running. But even then, i'm going to tell my whore tendon to go fuck itself. I will not accept it.

I stopped at the gas station today and accidently stole the only free pump from a guy in a mail truck. I felt bad and gave him a "oh! whoops! sorry! i'm sort of ashamed." kind of face, but didn't move b/c it was fucking freezing. Did you know it snowed momentarily today during that time? The more I think about it the more I dont feel bad b/c I like to think he has a full time job as a heavily dressed- well insulated mailman, where as I, have no full time job and have raynauds disease. Then, if I think about it further, i wonder if my credit card bill, which was hurriedly sent out today, will make it to the c.c. company on time due to the people employed by our nation's postal service.

Karma? Hmmm.

Psychoanalytical fun for everyone!

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 18:43:00 GMT

I had a hell of alot of fun in class yesterday AAND my teacher looked exceptionally hot.:)

Pages

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 03:39:25 GMT

Right now
all I can do
is struggle to read
and easily feed
and put one foot
in front of the other.

I'd be an excellent zombie extra.

Erica P. would refer to the incased filling as "blackberry goo" instead of jelly.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 23:55:23 GMT

I ate one.
I think its neat that we, here in MI, have one day out of the year that a large portion of society talks about polish donuts the way they normally discuss the weather or the office temperature. It really brings people together, the threads of our home the mighty mitten, harmoniously intertwined by beef tallow.

I talk about the mitten shape of our state quite often in my live journal......its because its funny. We live on winter outerwear.
Helloooo funny!

I'm doing ok but when I think about "it" I start feeling shitty...not lonely or overcome with pain....but not good either. I'd better watch it.

Lotus is a good song until the chorus portion about the lotus, then its eh.

yep. thats about it.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 19:27:29 GMT

Troubled souls unite, we got ourselves tonight, oh...
I am fuel, you are friends, we got the means to make amends
I am lost, I’m no guide, but I’m by your side
I am right by your side, yeah...

Young lover I stand it was their idea,
I proved to be a man
Take my fucking hand it was their idea,
I proved to be a man
Will myself to find a home, a home within myself
We will find a way, we will find our place

Drop the leash, drop the leash... Get outta’ my fuckin’ face

Drop the leash, we are young
Oh, get outta’ my fuckin’ face...
Drop the leash, drop the leash...
Get outta’ my, my...

Delight, delight, delight in our youth..
Get outta’ my fuckin’ face...

bloodletting

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 02:06:18 GMT

Supposedly,
all human emotions fall into seven (possibly 8) categories: jealousy, anger, revenge and hate, fear, love, lust, intellectual interest, and pain.

I think theres some type unmentioned. Some which is indescribable because I want something else to ascertain exactly what is playing out internally. This is unfamiliar territory and I still have so much trouble casting blame aside..there is no blame here (at least over all), but I can't help but feel guilt and regret. I know guilt is merely a product of my upbringing..but where does regret lay within the 8, do I place it under fear??

I'm afraid someone will realize how remarkable he is and that I'll never find that with anyone ever again. That there is no man out there as honest, or forthright, or reasonable as he is with me. Where the fuck am I going to find a kind of relationship like this with someone again? I know that he is, in his own ways, worth glorifying. Everything I've ever written in this journal about him is absolutely true. I just wish I was able to cultivate this understanding the way I need to. In the way that works in my best favor, but I apparently can't do that. I can't do that which is one of the reasons I can't ignore the feeling any longer. And so I've changed direction..and I hope to fucking all hope it was the best decision. I feel sick. I feel I've leached out too much of the worth I've held for this man for four years now. Like I've effaced something truly deserving of respect.
I dont think I've ever felt so petrified in my life. I am Ashleigh and I'm burning a bag of money that was offered to me, right before my eyes.

Eww, I have to stop thinking about this or its gonna make me sick. I just have to realize theres a good reason for this, even though I can't really think of it right now.

Sing it Nina:

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 04:42:55 GMT

"....But I don't need this
I don't need it
I need more
no, I don't need this
to good to be true
to good to ignore
I don't need this
I need so much more
it's too much to ask for"

I could never be a happy engineer. In fact, if you want, you could write a book about the value of social interaction called, "Ashleigh, The Unhappiest Engineer" which could be set in juxtaposition with, "Eugene, The Happiest Avocado". I've had the pleasure of hanging out with my friends all weekend, and within those moments I enjoy myself so much, I would assume these instances comparable to shooting up. These times make me so happy, that I literally dont know what to do with myself, so my speech turns to incoherent and erratic sound(even more so than usual) and my physical composure is lost to rough housing and affection. I think this further proves the point that I need to master the bass and have a band to play with. Then that way, these wonderful feelings of elation can be redirected into something more, um "PROLIFIC";).To be a lost boy with a musical instrument in your hands seems to provide more social latitude than some giddy 24-something who chucks around elementary displays of happiness like penny candy in a Mexican parade. Sometimes I feel like I should "grow up" cause everyone else thats older seems to think its what you're "supposed" to do. But, um, fuck that.

the pleasures of living at home

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 02:35:37 GMT

You can't beat coming home after a long shitty, day at school and work and cold weather to a great dinner of almond topped baked white fish, sweet potatoes, and roasted zucchini.
My mom and her overblown home-maker tendencies can be so awesome. Holy hell Michelle, you know how to cook.

Speaking of Michelles..now that Michelle isn't going to be in the 06 winter Olympics, whos gonna rock the house? Will there just be NO "house rocking"? I'm bemused;)

Hey folks, its Valentines day tomorrow! Did you get your sweetie a $20 magnetic muzzled pile of fake fur and cliched representation of love from Hallmark yet? You'd better hurry! aaahhh!
(boy, that was very "college freshman" of me wasn't it?)

My poor dog has allergies. Poor Boop.

taxidermy

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 05:05:33 GMT

It is easy to stuff thoughts
into old, familiar casing.
smooth them down to a comforting form
like the chaotic masses of cotton,
bound into the formative worth of a child's favorite nap toy
or the contents in a mounted kill,
proving that this creature bares teeth with useless threat

I have to recognize
my eyes are not marble
my sinew is not thread
I am alive enough to force out painful criticism
and accept it with useful integrity
To shift my vulnerabilities
and play upon my own awareness
like a game of hide and seek

Ouch.

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 19:27:57 GMT

I was slapped in the face by a number of new poses this morning in yoga. Though irritating and painful, its a reality check I respectfully welcome. An advantage to attempting poses that you may suck at is that, when you cocentrate and analyze it out, you can ascertain exactly what parts of your body are restricting you from performing the poses well-perhaps just because of the way your body is shaped. For example, I do not have wickedly long limbs, so poses that invovle wrapping your arms around, through, or over some body part to interlace your fingers are more advanced from the beginning then they would be for someone who's arms are so long that they can surpass the need to work any additional part of their being. It reminds me of the time Miranda laid down on her stomach at Angela and Jackies house to bend her legs effortlessly up over her shoulders into a really advanced "bow" pose. I don't know if she knew it was called that, but either way, for her it was no problem at all. Genes are neat.

Anyway, the point is, you can figure out what is limiting you, and get better by slowly adjusting those other parts of your body as compensation. That is, physcially speaking, what its all about. Average arm length means eventually opening your chest and shoulders to allow your hands to touch. I think its fascinating that yoga requires you to operate parts of your body in different patterns than you normally do or ever really need to do as an adult, though if we had taken advantage of the range of motion that we all start out with as babies and young children, we would all be pretty good at yoga, at present.

I'm so excited to see Donny this weekend that I could just stab myself in the eye and scream so violently that the lining of my throat lacerates and collapses and then chokes me to death.

Doughnut Song

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 19:14:12 GMT

Bosendorfer and vocals-Tori Amos
HA HA guitar, Acoustic 12 string-Steve Caton
Bass-George Porter Jr

How is it, after 10 years,it is still one of the most beautiful, full, meaningful, cathartic songs I've ever listened to??? Every version I've heard, recorded or live, every time I listen to any one of them...always.
Its existence makes me so grateful to have my sense of hearing.

Its my little sisters birthday tomorrow....so, soon to be "Happy Birthday" Arianne Michelle Charles.